Soothing with a Why

Posted on May 16, 2013 by Charise

I’ve had a few conversations with friends lately that have been focused on the WHY. And I’ve had my own issues with a WHY.

Something horrible.

We don’t usually question the WHY of something good.

And I like answers to WHY as much as anyone, but from experience, the answer to the WHYs rarely make us feel better.

I  had a therapist who would say, “What will the WHY give you?”

When your heart gets broken, the WHY doesn’t affect the pain.

The WHY speaks to the logic of your brain. Your heart responds to logic of a different sort. One, I believe, the WHY can not provide.

Think about some of the unanswerables in your own life. The things that make you choke up even though they are from ages ago. Things that make you grind your teeth. Things that make you wonder what in God’s name is…well- God- doing.

Now imagine a mountaintop guru that would provide the WHY for those things. And let’s say there is a gondola to the mountaintop so you don’t even have to face an arduous hike to get your WHYs.

None of that really changes my feelings. This recent story out of Cleveland. There is no WHY that is going to make me feel better. WHYs that are missing about the end of my marriage. WHYs about friends.

WHY WHY WHY

Even with a gondola ride- and even imagining a gondola ride that served martinis- I would not receive the WHYs and then feel fine. I would probably be more like the young child who asks why the sun is hot and when that is explained, pauses, nods, and says, “But why?”

WHYs can be a bottomless pit that only lead to more WHYs. For every WHY I understand about mental illness, relationship dynamics, and God’s mystery- there are many more WHYs I will never understand. And if I did, it still wouldn’t mean I felt better because the part of me that aches and struggles and cries and grieves can not be soothed by a WHY.

Posted in Prayers | 1 Comment

I am Woman, Hear Me…Meow…

Posted on May 9, 2013 by Charise

So, I’m pretty tough.

I kill spiders. I bait my own hook. I’ve given myself injections. I’m not afraid of heights or the dark. I know how to use power tools. I know how to change my oil and a tire (though I do outsource those jobs). In my professional and personal life, I have had some pretty extreme circumstances that have not broken me.

Well, not permanently anyway.

I have never gotten a guy by playing dumb.

In fact, I was cast in a play as an airhead and the director had to demonstrate because I just could not do it.

And then… and then I have to call the fire department because my stove is broken.

I find it amazing how my perception of myself can change so quickly. I can leave my house feeling skinny and arrive to work feeling obese. I can speak using all the right lingo in English and Spanish and then five minutes later be gesturing and stammering hoping my inarticulate charades will somehow be deciphered.

I can arrive home and smell propane and go play in the sandbox with Little Sir until the fire department arrives to tell me the pilot light went out on my oven. And even though I felt smart for checking the propane tank level and the stove top pilots and the heater’s pilot light, I felt like a total GIRL for not checking the oven.

And it’s not to say I don’t make mistakes or that I know everything. That is absolutely not the case. It’s more about the turbo speed movement between me feeling competent and completely foolish.

What about you? When’s the most recent time you felt TOGETHER? And the most recent time you…DID NOT?

Posted in My Life | 2 Comments

Or, maybe…

Posted on May 2, 2013 by Charise

Or, maybe…it’s not a choice.

First a disclaimer: My mother chose her marriage over mothering with difficult consequences. And I chose my children over marriage. So, I hesitated in posting this because maybe that bias makes me unqualified?

But then I thought, maybe that bias makes me exactly qualified.

Why is love  competitive? Does this sign exist for dads? If women are choosing mothering over their marriage, the answer…well, I don’t know the answer, but the question is “Why?”

I had to choose mothering over my marriage. And I won’t answer the “Why?” here but the answer explains a lot. And it was devastating. And some days, it still is.

Am I so bitter by the end of my marriage, that  I can’t appreciate the relationship between a husband and wife? And how important it is? That nurturing and protecting that love is essential. No. I am not bitter. Nor am I dense. I am sad. I absolutely know what marriage should be. But knowing it and being capable of making it happen aren’t the same thing.

I know how to paint. My paintings? Uh, not so much.

Am I one of those moms so consumed by children there is no room for adult relationships? No. There is no room for a relationships that make me choose one or the other. There is no room for pithy signs that make think I have to.

 

Posted in Or Maybe | 1 Comment