What I Know for Sure (today)

Posted on May 17, 2012 by Charise

A friend celebrated her birthday by posting a “known truth” for every year she’d been alive. Fifty seven.

It’s not my birthday, but I was struck by her post. One- that she admitted her age. If you’ve known me long enough, you know that I am sticking to 39 and would rather not discuss it further. I say this and people sort of laugh. I do not laugh. Two- I don’t think I could come up with 39 truths. Assuming we’re defining truths as things you know without a doubt, 100% through and through.

I will say my friend had several truths related to food safety. I think she must have had a bad case of food poisoning a time or two.

Isn’t that the way of life? What we know for sure- our truths, our certainties- are colored and formed by our life experiences. And as the saying goes, change is the only constant. So what I know for sure seems to change. With life events, with emotions, with sleep, without it. As I meet new people, travel new places, read more- I learn more. I have my core stuff but it ebbs and stretches and shrinks as I live and move through the world.

Then there’s Oprah. At the back of her magazine, she writes a column “What I Know for Sure”. It’s nice. But sometimes, I wonder. Really? You know that for sure every single day?

For example, I believe “there is always hope”. But if I believe that- if I know that for sure then why do I feel hopeless sometimes?

So I think this phrase needs to always have a modifier: What I know for sure (today). What I know for sure, with an asterik*. And then in small print at the bottom, subject to change without notice.

So, as I write this*, here’s what I know for sure:

*I wrote this a while ago so some of it could have all ready changed.

1. There is a God. You may not call him God. And you may not call him Him. Semantics. There’s a God and he’s good. And wants good for you. And if you don’t believe that, then you’re doing it wrong.

2. Sometimes I do it wrong.

3. When you hear water running and your toddler is not in the same room as you, it is not going to be pretty.

4. If you plant it, the gophers will come.

5. Political affiliation and religion are meaningless. And any politician making you think otherwise is only doing so to get your vote. We do not live in a theocracy. And I don’t want to.

6. Gay people getting married are not going to threaten the sanctity of marriage. Churches will not be forced to perform marriages any more than they are forced to now. Read up on the John Edwards trial. THAT guy’s the kind of stuff threatening marriages.

7. I did not buy those donuts for Little Sir. Though I will share with him.

8. I will never go to a book store, craft store or plant nursery “just to look.”

9. Love is not conditional. But respect, honesty, trust and friendship are.

10. Miracles do happen.

Posted in Faith, Grace and Stuff, My Life | 1 Comment

Hallmark Doesn’t Make Cards for Mothers Like Mine

Posted on May 10, 2012 by Charise

My Little Sir, My Gorgeous Gal

It’s Mother’s Day Sunday. Today is Mother’s Day in Mexico.I spent this morning at a special Mass to honor a mom in Mexico and then a brunch of homemade enchiladas.

It’s a lovely thing to honor your mom. And as a mom, I like it.

But when I read the facebook posts and see the aisles of cards and the  nurseries filled with bouquets, I wonder if there are others like me who aren’t buying for their moms. Who don’t miss their mothers. Hallmark doesn’t make cards for mothers like mine.

I am blessed with Grandmas and a pretty terrific Mother in Law so I still do my part to stimulate the economy for this holiday. I have women who have mothered me without the title. Without the obligation. They may have been a teacher or a school friend’s mom. Or they were an adult friend I made that mothered me when I needed it. Or even now, there is my mother in law. My Mom Olson.

But I would be dishonest if I said I don’t face this week with a bit of a shadow. The shadow doesn’t cast as far or feel as chilly as it used to, but it is there. It’s the feeling of wishing things could be different. Of knowing it should have been different. I don’t miss MY mother, but I miss having A mother.

My mother’s untreated mental illness and addictions compromised her desire to be a good mom. She can be violent verbally and physically. She allows things to happen that should never happen. She does things that you can never do. Or, I guess… Undo.

I had to cease contact with my mother for my safety and the safety of my children. I don’t miss my mother, but I do think of her. And not with anger or bitterness. Our estrangement isn’t a silent treatment stalemate. It was an act of self preservation.

Oddly enough I was not able to take that step until I was a mother myself and needed to protect my daughter.

So, I am looking forward to Sunday. I am relieved I got my things mailed in time so the Grandmas and Mother In Law will know they are loved, treasured and so appreciated. I will pray in gratitude for the other women who mothered me throughout my life because I didn’t always recognize their generosity at the time.  And I will look forward to spending some time in the sun, enjoying my day as a Mom. Avoiding the shadows.

 

 

 

Posted in My Life, Parenting | 3 Comments

A Time for Owies

Posted on May 3, 2012 by Charise

April has been brutal for Little Sir. If March goes out like a lion, well, that lion attacked my guy all of April.

He fell off the couch at Grandma’s and hit the coffee table. This opened a 1 inch gash in his eyebrow. The ER Doctor elected for the super glue treatment but our family doctor later said it should have been stitches. Hoping Little Sir gets his dad’s eyebrows so the scar will be hidden. Or we’ll have to come up with a dashing story to tell because the couch at Grandma’s isn’t really that great.

Then he fell at daycare and had a black eye on the other side with a little cut.

I got vitamin E oil and both those of those were healing pretty well. Little Sir was almost fully scab-free.

And  then, ON THE VERY LAST DAY OF APRIL, he decided to leap down the step that he has previously navigated very carefully and I was a millisecond too late to catch him as I realized he was not slowing down— and he skidded to a stop. On his face. On cement.

These are just the facial injuries. The bruises and scrapes on his knees would make this post too long.

He is a rough and tumble boy. And for April, emphasis on the TUMBLE.

Ecclesiastes talks about a time for this and time for that. I’m hoping April was the time for Owies and May can be a time for…non owies? Lottery winnings?

If this doesn’t stop, we’re going to have to go union around here and post one of those signs about X many days injury free. Little Sir wouldn’t be motivated with a monetary bonus. I guess we could try watermelon. He loves watermelon. Or donuts.

So now it’s May. I picked him up from his morning activity this morning and groaned when I saw another bruise on his head. Oh no! It’s May! Come on, give this kid a break (and mama too)!

Turned out it was just peanut butter.

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Some Assembly Required

Posted on April 26, 2012 by Charise

Dear Toys R Us;

I recently purchased the sand/water toy on sale at your store. Upon opening the box, I was stunned by the number of parts required for assembly.  I had eagerly brought the box in and confidently told my toddler “Look at what we get to play with!”  After opening the box, I amended that to, “In approximately 45 minutes.”

I believe in being part of the solution, and, in that vein, wanted to offer some revisions for the enclosed instructions:

1. Open the box. Verify all 102* parts are present. This is a free math lesson included with the toy.

2. Measure  2 oz vodka, .5 oz dry vermouth, and a generous splash of olive juice in martini shaker. Add ice and shake. Pour into glass. Place in freezer.

3. Unsnap 101 parts from their plastic frames. Because we went with the lowest bid, we couldn’t afford the quality control check that the pieces will indeed snap apart. The molds turned out to be so poor and the plastic is low enough grade that you will need scissors to actually disengage the pieces. You will also need a nail file to sand off the sharp edges remaining to prevent injury to yourself or child. <Insert standard liability release here for any injuries related to sharp edges from poor quality molding>

4. Pause here to find magnifying glass to read .7 point font of these instructions. While up, feel free to throw away the PAPER stickers included for this WATER toy. We couldn’t afford the good plastic stickers at this price point.

5. <Move assembly of vehicles enclosed with toy up in sequence  so child waiting for his fun new toy has something to entertain him while you continue search for parts necessary for crane>.

6. During your search for pieces,  consider that the reasonable price is reflective of the wages we did not pay someone in China to do this assembly work for you. This is a free cultural awareness lesson we include with the toy.

7. Realize that avoiding those engineering classes might have been a mistake. Didn’t your teachers tell you some day you would be assembling a crane? This is a free life planning lesson we include with the toy.

8. Do not throw out box. You will want to refer to photo to verify that the 101 pieces scattered by toddler and cat will indeed some day, one day become the glorious sand and water table featured on said box.

9. After assembly, place outside for toddler, fill with water and sand. Marvel at your skill. Marvel at toddler who has lost all interest and is playing with the toy you bought at the thrift store for 5.00 PRE-assembled.

10. Remove martini from freezer and add three olives. Enjoy.

 

*The toy has approximately 40 pieces but it FELT like 102.

Posted in My Life, Parenting | 3 Comments

Love with a “d”

Posted on April 19, 2012 by Charise

I like to garden. Well, that’s a bit of an over statment. I like plants. I like flowers. Not sure what I do really constitutes gardening.

But my mother-in-law is a Master Gardener. She came to visit once and I thought my woodland yard looked charming. She gifted me with a rake.

When I visited her in September 2011, I saw her yard and it was gorgeous. And a gorgeous yard in Iowa is something. I mean, I live in California near the coast.  My biggest challenge is the deer.

But for my mother in law, she has to contend with snow and flood level rains as well as that wilting heat. As my in laws regularly point out, Iowa has all FOUR seasons. As a gardener, she earns that “master” title. And then some.

So, she sent me some seeds of a gorgeous periwinkle blue flower called Love In the Mist. She sent the seeds and told me that she found them growing in a rocky area with bad soil. They reseed themselves and certainly aren’t picky surviving neglect and abuse. They will grow anywhere.

They’re hardy, adaptable and beautiful. They’re even great looking as they’re going to seed. And the deer leave them alone. Even I, of the rakeless beds and deer decimated roses, might be able to get these flowers to go.

And I thought maybe they should be called Love In the MiDst. Love in the midst of hard times, bad times, neglect. Love growing and blooming without any real effort.

I wish love in real life could be like that.

 

Posted in Faith, Grace and Stuff | 1 Comment

A Baby Seder

Posted on April 12, 2012 by Charise

Poking at the suspicious looking yams. The discarded radish is on the placemat.

Because we have a blended family, I had to get good at celebrating holidays even if they didn’t fall on the actual holiday. We weren’t together for the holidays, but that didn’t mean we didn’t want to celebrate them. And we had to invent a few traditions because Easter Sunday just isn’t the same on the second Thursday of the month.

So, for Easter, I created a Seder. The Passover Seder is a rich and gorgeous service from the Jewish religion to honor God’s instruction to honor the time when the Angel of Death passed over the homes marked with the blood of a lamb. The Seder is a meal with prayers and foods and practices. I learned about it in a class and read about it as research for writing our family’s Seder. I tried to imagine how the Seder might be if Christians had carried on the holiday celebrations Jesus observed.

So, I wrote something up and we’ve done it for eight years.

This year, Little Sir is just shy of 20 months. He was not going to sit through the Seder. So, I abbreviated it. A lot. And as I did so, I thought, It’s fine. We won’t get so much spiritual value from this year but it’ll be part of building Little Sir’s foundation of how we celebrate Easter in our home. It’s for him, not me.

Yea, well, as with most things in my life lately, God had other plans.

There was plenty of spiritual value.

Don’t postpone the fun: Little Sir loves blowing out candles. So, I lit the candles and he was not going to rest until he blew them out.Why wait till the end. Enjoy the fun when it presents itself.

Be Happy with Enough: We eat of the unleavened bread to remember how God provided for the Israelites in the desert on their exodus from Egypt. We eat of the unleavened bread to remind us that God provides.

Little Sir thought this was the best part. How I wish I could be so happy with Enough and Provision and not always want More.

Don’t Hang on to the Bitter: We eat the bitter herbs dipped in salt to remember the bitterness of slavery and the salt of the tears shed. We eat of the herbs and salt to remember God is with us even in bitterness and grief.

Little Sir mulled it over, took a bite and spit it across the table. It was pretty impressive, actually. And I thought, I need to remember that I don’t need to chew and chew and chew on bitterness. That I could just get rid of it as easily as he did. And shed way fewer tears in the process.

Embrace the Sweet without Suspicion: We eat yams and apples to remember God’s goodness and protection of the Israelites on their journey and bringing them to the Promised Land. We eat yams and apples to remember God gave us his Son.

Little Sir wanted nothing to do with it. I knew he would like it but I think he thought I was trying to sneak him carrots which he does not like. No matter how I cajoled, he just would not try it. How often have I closed myself off to something wonderful because I had all ready made up my mind or I felt it was “too good to be true”?

Big Lessons in Small Seders this Easter.

Posted in Faith, Grace and Stuff, Parenting | 2 Comments

Or I Got It Completely Wrong

Posted on April 5, 2012 by Charise

So, the other night I was feeling pretty bad about things. Not just bad. I mean, B-A-D.  Baby’s been sick, I’ve been sick, heart break, family stuff, job hunting, writing misery, missing my Gal… and it’s all keeping me from what I really need: sleep.

So I decide to use my perfect cure for insomnia.

Read the Bible.

The Old Testament.

But not only do I need to fall asleep, I also need some soul-soothing.  So reading the Bible is an attempt to kill two birds with one, uh… book. I use that highly unscientific, but strange how it works often enough to make you wonder method of letting the Bible fall open.

On this night it falls open to (drum roll): Job.

Job?

Seriously?

No Psalms? Or how about that lovey one in Corinthians? The one everyone uses in their wedding.

I arched an eyebrow at Job because I’m thinkin’ Job is not the book for me when I’m feeling…Well, I’m pretty much feeling LIKE Job. And I’m thinking reading Job could put me over the edge.

But I decide to go ahead with it and read about how Job was covered in his sores and found a broken piece of pottery to scrape his skin. Ewww, not feeling like Job.

I keep reading. And yes, I did skip some because his friends just go on and on and on. But it struck me in places how Job is suffering and they blame him or blame others. The man’s children have been killed and one of his friends says Job must have done something to cause it and his other friends says  the kids must have.

This HAS to be where the phrase, “with friends like these, who needs enemies” got started.

I also think how it human it must be for us to all want to find reasons for bad stuff happening. Why did it happen? How did it happen? Who caused it?

At the end of the story, God speaks. He reminds Job who he is dealing with, who God is. What he has done. You know, like creating the world and stuff.

And God reminds Job of who Job is not (eg God). And he suggests rather pointedly that maybe Job could remember all that and try to ride out the hard times a little more gracefully. That faith and trust in God and ALL THAT HE IS doesn’t have to be situational.

And God brought Job through. Blessedly through. To the point that Job had double what he had lost.

So, that’s what I got out of Job that night.

I am SO not a theologian so maybe I got this all wrong. But I fell asleep that night with more peace and genuinely rested more than I had in a long long time.

 

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Exciting News! Clean House and Toddlers Can Co-Exist

Posted on April 1, 2012 by Charise

And here I thought no one read this blog. I posted this past week about the battle of cleaning a house with a toddler. And then I got an exciting call. Some of my ideas sparked an actual product line!

It’s all very hush hush, but I can share a few tidbits here. Fisher Price and Swiffer are partnering together on a new line of house cleaning equipment that are also toddler friendly. Here are a few of the products slated to be released:

Ride ‘em cowboy… There will be an adjustable saddle that you can fasten to your canister vacuum allowing your toddler a fun “pony” ride while the floors get done.

Speaking of clean floors… You know that little push toy that pop up balls as the little guy walks through the house? Well, those will be equipped with a small vacuum attachment. So now the little guy will push that toy through the house and instead of colorful beads popping into the clear dome, he will see pet hair and discarded goldfish crackers.

One Size Fits All… Swiffer and the Magic Eraser (btw best cleaning product invented in my lifetime) will partner to design an adorable onesie that you can slide your toddler into and then set him loose. Whatever he crawls on, up or under will be clean.

Happy April Fools Day!

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How to Clean House with Toddlers

Posted on March 30, 2012 by Charise

Courage in danger is half the battle.

I use Plautus’ quote to comfort myself these days as I wage the age old battle for a clean house. But I don’t know if Plautus took into account I’d have a double agent in my midst.

He is in the form of an adorable toddler, my youngest, aka Little Sir. Sure he gives me kisses and newly toothy smiles, but he must have been “turned” for the other side as he empties the potted plants, shreds the unopened mail and turns over the pet food bowls. The other day he even managed to open the vacuum and empty it over the just done rug.

But Churchill said, “Never surrender.” So, I’ve studied the elements of war and come up with a few key strategies.

Use their naturally learned behaviors to your benefit. I learned this at Marine World. The trainers tell you the whales jump for that red ball because they’re natural behavior has been rewarded. I have modified this technique and no sardines required. Babies naturally crawl and climb. It is essential to their physical development. So, just wrap them in a thick towel as they roam. Presto! Your dusting and dry mopping done.

Create a distraction. For example, if I’m trying to unload the dishwasher, I just leave the drawer holding the Tupperware (aka baby crack) slightly ajar. Damp mopping? Leave the brand new magazine I’m looking forward to reading just in tiny fingers reach. Yes, it’s shredded to bits, but you can buy a new magazine. A basket of folded laundry buys you enough time to clean the average sized bathroom.

Seek Reinforcements. In the wonderful tradition of brotherhood in arms, this next strategy promotes the bonding that occurs as soldiers from differing backgrounds unite on the battlefield. The troops I could not possibly win my battle for a clean house without? My dogs.  They don’t care if their food is spilled all over the floor. They’ll still eat it. They also eat almost everything the baby drops.  I just need a dog that eats vegetables. I have drawn the line at letting them clean the baby, but their willingness is duly noted.

And then there’s the Hail Mary. When there’s just nothing to be done. When exhaustion, dirt and my personal Mata Hari leave me in a heap, I take off my glasses. The scattered toys, laundry piles and stacked dishes fade into a sort of blissful nearsighted blur.

After all, it was the Art of War strategist Sun Tzu himself who said, “He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot will be victorious.”

 

 

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Sin, Baby, Sin

Posted on March 22, 2012 by Charise

Sin.

What does the word bring to mind?

It’s just three letters, and the “i” is pretty skinny. But the word can really generate a lot of heat.

Sin, Sinner, Sinful…

To be honest? I kind of like it. It makes me laugh. It brings to mind Dana Carvey’s Church Lady. It sounds decadent like Sin City. Anyone up for Vegas after this? Or once there was Sinful Chocolate Cake on a menu. HummmmBaby, if that cake was wrong, I didn’t wanna’ be right.

But the word can provoke other reactions too. It has a lot to do with tone and delivery. When it’s bellowed through a microphone, accompanied with a pointed finger or filled to the brim with so much condemnation that big gooey bits of judgement drip off  like dog slobber, well, then I don’t like the word at all.

And I don’t laugh one single bit. I sort of wince. My eyes get all squinty. My breath only goes about chest level instead of all the way deep.

I’ve heard the word used like that plenty.

My friend, Heather Kopp, had a post last week on her blog that prompted my thoughts about this.

How do you define sin? Is it a laundry list of dos and don’ts? Is it the same for everyone or does it vary person by person?

I participated in a program one time that used a definition I had never heard before:

That which separates you from a loving relationship with God.

No name calling. No blame. No lists. No judgement. Just a shorthand label for the STUFF. The STUFF in your way of feeling connected to God. To God who wants to walk through the Garden with you. God who wants you to stop shrieking about the wind and enjoy the boat ride. God.

Ohhhhhhh… I don’t know if that definition will help anyone pass theology 101, but it sure helped me get over my issue with those three little letters and focus on the important parts.

And it turns out that chocolate cake wasn’t sinful  because it tasted DIVINE.

Okay, really though, using this definition was like taking a pin to the over-inflated balloon that was pressing me up against the wall. All that extra hot air from the blowhards was released and I could breathe to the deep places. I could look at my stuff and deal with it because I wasn’t in a corner cringing, panting and all squinty-eyed.

Using this definition wasn’t any sort of get-out-of-hell-free card though. Using this definition of sin goes beyond any lists. You can’t sit around with your back ramrod straight and say, Well, I don’t do THAT, so I’m just fine.

Using the definition of sin as anything that separates you from God makes you look at everything. In all the nooks, crannies and under the rugs. Because it’s not about a list or feeling safe, it’s about getting to the best part: a loving relationship with God.

Now, about that trip to Vegas…

 

 

Posted in Faith, Grace and Stuff | 4 Comments