About My Dad

I haven’t blogged about my Dad. I don’t think I have (have I?) blogged a lot about my mom, but I’ve written about the struggles and pain she caused me and others…due to her own struggles and pain.

But on my Dad, I’ve been pretty quiet. Kind of in the vein if you don’t have anything nice to say… so I’ll just stay quiet. Or maybe it was I don’t know what to say because I don’t really understand why it is how it is. Or maybe it was just be quiet so you don’t make it worse. Or maybe it was all these things.

But it’s Father’s Day soon and some stuff has happened that makes it a good time to share.

So, the relationship has been difficult. It is complicated by how different we are and how similar (in the best and no so best ways, of course). But I honestly believe it was most complicated by outside influences. Some were overt interferences to sabotage the relationship between us and some were just bad timing and circumstances. But it got us to not talking. In the last 15 years, I have seen my Dad maybe 4 times. And probably 3 of those I drove away frustrated and crying. And not one single visit was initiated by him and at least 2 of them I was sort of pushed into it.

So, yea, complicated.

The odd thing was I always thought my Dad was a great guy.  And I really liked his sense of humor (sarcasm is my very most favorite). And he’s tall and smart. He’s very Dad-like. He knows a lot of good Dad stuff: how to make things and fix things. And  I had some really good memories of things we did together or times he had helped me. There was no ONE BIG THING that was a problem.

(Dad, seriously, it wasn’t because of the golf cart.)

But it was still hard. And our relationship was nonexistent. I held no grudge and there had been no big fight. It was more that feeling when you buy something really great– and then you open the box and it’s in all these pieces? And the directions are illegible or even missing? You just aren’t going to get your great thing. You might fiddle and fidget with those pieces, but that great thing remains unattainable.

That was the feeling with my Dad. We had these good pieces, but I had no idea how to put them together.

And I still don’t.

But.

But they do seem to be coming together. I am writing this after spending the whole day with him. Seeing him hoist Little Sir on to his shoulders. Getting lost. Just talking. Having lunch. Watching TV.

Nothing earth shattering.

And shattering all the same.

I wanted to share because there will be a lot of messages for those blessed with a great dad and a great relationship this time of year. And I’m one voice for those who didn’t have it like that. For those who see other relationships with Dads and kind of wince. I’ve been there. And- frankly- I could be there again.

But this year, I’ll be buying a Father’s Day card.

For my Dad.