For Those Who Know What You Know…But…

August 26 2012 117

I knew we shouldn’t have bought this couch.

This is for those of you who know what you know.

But.

But you are surrounded by so many people who don’t know what you know, deny it, or can’t believe it; so then you doubt what you know.

Or maybe you are surrounded only by yourself and the paradox we have of knowing what we know and in the very same instant questioning, doubting, denying ourselves that knowledge.

I am strangely susceptible to this. I say “strangely” because I am generally a strong willed person and not sure admitting this “fits” with who I appear to be.

But.

If I  know something that doesn’t have concrete proof- but I KNOW, and then someone (or me) comes along and says “Oh, it can’t be like that. That can’t be true.” Or something like “No, that’s not how it was, that’s not what I/he/she/they meant at all.” Well, then I start doubting and questioning what I previously knew to be true.

It’s like having a great radio station suddenly fill with static. You’re singing along, “I know what I know” (Think upbeat Bonnie Raitt) and then you are leaning forward trying to make out the words because KFCK-ed (credit to Anne Lamott’s for that) starts playing in your head drowning out the song.

KFCK never plays great songs. It’s all talk all the time. And none of it helpful or even all that interesting.

KFCK has some sort of crazy signal that fades to nothing and then roars in like a country station in the middle of the desert. WHERE did that come from?

I once had a boss I was sure had crossed the line from friendly to flirt. I asked about it, he said noooooooo. Then there was the time he took off all his clothes. What the what?

And it’s not always a case of me believing another person over what I know. I can do it to myself. That’s the painful reality of KFCK. It’s available 24/7.

Because to fly in the face of what might make sense or be logical and own what I know to be TRUE– well, that can be tough. I don’t trust feelings generally, so to stand up say, “I’m not doing that. It doesn’t feel right.”

Yikes. KHARD.

But every single time I have done it– said “I know what I know.” Well, sorry if this sounds like bragging, but I have been right.

And I was able to nod and fill my entire core with clear cool air and breath out, “I knew it.”

So, if this is you. I want to say, “You know what you know.” I don’t need to say I believe you because my belief in you doesn’t matter.

Your belief in you does.

Just turn the radio down so you can hear yourself sing it. Loudly.

 

Disclaimer: There are things I have known and been wrong about. But usually this is not knowledge as much as judgement. When I question the judgement to make sure I am right, I find sometimes I am not. So I’m not talking about judgement here. I’m talking about knowing. Knowing. Knowing my gut instinct is right. Knowing my feelings matter. Whether you, he, she, they agree or admit anything.