If Only When

It was not like this. This makes my arms tired.

I went to this healing prayer room thing my friend Susan invited me to. I was suspicious and mainly went to see what it was like. I was kind of worried Susan was joining a cult. Susan is one of the most logical people I know. When you want to talk with your level headed, grounded friend– you call Susan. And the things she was telling me about this prayer experience had me curious and a tad bit concerned. One thing for sure, I was not drinking any Kool-Aid.

So I went.

And it was… SO MUCH.

Weird. Lovely. Brilliant. Huge. Amazing.

Let me say that I express my faith in a pretty low key way. I know others connect with God in a more charismatic way, but it’s not how it works for me. I am not given to shouting and stomping and being slain in the Spirit. I once stopped attending a church because the pastor said you weren’t worshiping if you weren’t clapping and waving your arms in the air.

So, what I am about to say is quite SOMETHING:

The Holy Spirit was there. Prayers were prayed and feelings were felt and it was so big and bright it took up all my seeing space and made me blink in the Light of it.

I’m still trying to take it all in. And I mean IN.

Two people prayed for me and what they felt or got or whathaveyou  was that God thinks I am enough. Enough.

God is throwing a come as you are party and I can come.

This has been something I know. Of course. Duh.

But really, I haven’t. Not for a while. I tend to default to thinking IF, ONLY or WHEN… THEN I will be happy, healthy, smart, good, right… Enough.

Then my friend Heather blogged and had this to say. And what I took from it was how am I defining productivity? It struck me how little I value time spent not being productive according to others’ definitions.

Productive earning money.  Productive cleaning my house. Productive parenting. Productive wife-ing (that totally should be a word). Productive helping others. Productive volunteering.

And I do define productivity with some of those things, but deep IN, I have other things I want to do with my time.

But they are not productive.

Who says so?

Today I see this quote from Benjamin Franklin:

Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What’s a sundial in the shade?

I’m still taking it all in. IN.

IN to the parts of me that lost her way to being ENOUGH because she was waiting for IF, ONLY and WHEN.

The parts that stayed in the shade.