Let’s Discuss: When is Silence Not Golden

So, I am not the silent type. I always laugh when people say something like “Well, you just have to let him know how you feel. Don’t expect him to read your mind.” I really can’t imagine anyone thinking that they have to guess at what I’m thinking. I will share.

file000162092220This comes from me being naturally talkative, but also from being forced into silence through a lot of my childhood. At 18, I decided that would be the end of that!

But as I grew up (after 18), I did have to learn that my opinion is not always welcome. Or worse, right.

It was shocking.

And here’s one lesson I learned later than I wished:  Even if I am right, I may not be the best source for someone to hear it from. I had some great suggestions for my husband’s ex-wife. And then it clicked for me (sadly much later than it should have), she was never going to hear it from me. No matter how right I was. Never.

Ohhhhhh…

And then there are just the things that don’t need to be said. They don’t matter. It’s not going to help. So leave it.

Or should you?

How do you decide?

I don’t mean the things you didn’t think to say in the moment, but you just honestly kept to yourself thinking it was better. Spinach in your friend’s teeth. Your concerns for someone’s health.

But how do you know?

I’ll order the next round and let me know what you know. Let’s discuss!

4 Comments

  1. Katherine Bolger Hyde

    I think all well-intentioned people struggle with this. (Those less well-intentioned don’t care.) My rule of thumb is: (1) speak the truth only if you can speak it in genuine love; and (2) speak it only if it will actually help the other person. If that spinach in his teeth is going to embarrass him when he goes to his job interview, mention it. If he’s just going home to brush his teeth, let it slide. If you honestly believe she is ignoring a health issue that could be serious, pray about it first, then mention it unless God says “No!” If it’s a little thing that won’t grow into a big thing if it’s left alone, leave it alone. Just my two cents.

  2. Mary

    Like you I’m not known for being the quiet wallflower. Except perhaps in the cases of ex-wives or husbands, it’s ok to speak up. The catch is to convey it in a manner of support and well meaning. I think telling someone they have spinach is what one does as a friend, because who wants to be seen by others with spinach on their teeth. As for someone you fear may have a health issue speak up. It’s much worse if something awful were to happen. Most will sift through incoming information and throw most of it out anyway, but if you actually spark a positive change then you have done your part to make a difference. I caught my little neighbor girl smoking one day, and instead of ignoring it I spoke to her about it. It didn’t make her stop smoking that day, but she did come to me about other big issues later that she wasn’t ready to share with her folks. Sometimes that first spoken word opens the doors for bigger things. I think when you speak out of concern and not authority ears are more accepting.

    • Charise

      I love that story about your neighbor. That is a great example of not only speaking up but of “planting a seed” that sprouted into something unexpected, yet really meaningful.

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