Warning Labels

I was telling a friend we- people in general, not he and I specifically- should come with warning labels.

And, then, because I’m me, I wondered where they should go. And I thought they should be on our bottoms. That way, there would still be some mystery. I wouldn’t want to encourage a bunch of prejudging. I mean, if your warning label was on your forehead, there’d be little eye contact as people were too busy reading your forehead. It’d be rampant profiling. And then the person who has bangs… My forehead is wide. I also have wrinkles and Botox is expensive. So, I HAVE to wear bangs.

On our bottoms, the labels would be discreet. They wouldn’t get in the way with casual everyday living. But with the closest of friends,  at some point in the relationship, you could turn to one another and say, “Can I read your butt?”


My label would say:   Learns quickly, but doubts self frequently so has had to repeat lessons. Known to hold grudges.  Does not suffer fools. Aggravate thoughtfully. More fragile than appearances suggest. Handle with care.

Would you want a label? Where would you put it?