This is a parody of this article and with writerly respect to this one. And fulfillment of a Facebook post-promise to Mick Silva. For this of you who don’t know Mick, he’s kind of a celebrity in my writing circles. Okay, it wasn’t really a promise, but I haven’t done a funny post in a while (ever?) and this gave me a good start. Here goes:
In fair disclosure, I have eaten mushrooms since becoming a Christian. I can’t fully explain why and I know others will judge. Sometimes it was peer pressure and other times it was from a faulty desire to not be an outsider to the world God placed me in (one in which an inordinate amount of people like mushrooms). I wanted to be inclusive and accepting in my desire to win people to Jesus and there were times I succumbed to eating fungi.
Now, as this list is telling Christians how to behave, it’s important to have it backed up by God. I mean, we can’t have just any ol’ wing nut telling us how to act. It needs to be based on sound theology- and because I’m Episcopalian- reason.
But I’m dispensing with all that. Because as Pastor Morgan said in her article, this is not a theological article, but a heartfelt plea to consider this list before you eat your next portabella:
1: Mushrooms thrive in darkness. Darkness= satan. Mushrooms = satan.
2: Anything of the dark can not be of the light and we are called to be of the light.
3: They also thrive in poop.
4: They most often grow in decay and are a sign of rot. Rot= death. The wages of sin are death. Mushrooms= sin.
The equal sign means I’m proving my points with math, right?
5: They can kill you. Maybe not the ones in the grocery store, but why risk it?
6: They are often a substitute for something that actually tastes good. Like a hamburger. Christians who profess love of the one true God should not be eating “false” foods.
7: The Lord’s prayer says, “Give us our daily bread.” If he’d meant for you to eat mushrooms, it would be in the Bible…
8: In fact, no where in the Bible does it say to eat mushrooms so that’s at least worth a reason on this list. Now you may say it doesn’t say to eat pizza either, but come on, we all know Jesus would love pizza.
9: Mushroom lovers are weird. Have you met these people that just LOVE mushrooms? Like they go on hikes looking for them? Weird.
10: Mushrooms are often disguised in food. They’re diced to be unnoticeable amongst the other vegetables. Sliced to be so thin they’re impossible to pick off the pizza. Clearly a wolf in sheep’s clothing metaphor here.
11: Mushrooms are regularly depicted in fantasy stories of gnomes or fairies living in mushrooms. Fantasy = cult. Mushrooms = cult. We have deprogrammers for it, don’t worry…
12: Mushrooms are also called toadstools. Toads can give you warts. Or salmonella. Okay, I can’t remember what toads do, but I do know it’s not good so again with MATH: Mushrooms = Toadstools. Toads= Something Bad. Bad = Sin. Mushrooms = Bad. Mushrooms = Sin.
13: 50 is a lot of reasons. I know that isn’t a reason to not eat mushrooms, but let’s just pause here at 13, catch our breath, and say: FIFTY, seriously?
14: Greeks and Romans are thought to be the first peoples to cultivate mushrooms. And we know THOSE people didn’t give us anything worthwhile.
15: Mushrooms go by all sorts of names: button, portabella, shiitake, chanterelle…clearly another attempt to disguise their evil. Calling it a cute “button” doesn’t change what it is at its soul (as if mushrooms could even have souls).
16: Mushrooms can grow below ground. You know, where HELL is.
17: Truffles are really expensive. That money should be given to the church.
18: Other mushrooms are hallucinogenics. AKA: Drugs. Just say no.
19: Because I’m running out of reasons and trying to find more, I found this article titled How Mushrooms Can Save the World. Only Jesus can save the world. Blasphemy. Mushrooms = Blasphemy.
20: I searched Bible Gateway for “mushrooms” (and “fungus” and “fungi”)– and ZERO results. If it’s not in the Bible, then…
21: To be fair, neither is Pizza. But bread and cheese are, and so is fire so I’m gonna’ have to call it in favor of oven-baked pizza.
22: Now you may say, what about mushrooms on pizza? This thing of trying to sneak dark into the light is like Judas among the disciples. And we all now what happened to Judas. Stop it.
23: Little known fact: the serpent tried to tempt Eve with mushrooms first, but she knew better.
24: Fifty is a lot of reasons. I know I said that at 13, but man, 50? I might be giving Pastor Jamie Morgan a hard time over her article, but I have to give her credit for sticking it out to 50.
25: I think I’ll just begin to use her reasons, but substitute mushrooms where she wrote alcohol. Clearly the idea here is, based on our own experience, we get to make global judgements about what is wrong for ALL. And by invoking faith, we kind of make you look bad for even questioning it. If you were a REAL Christian, I wouldn’t even have to come up with ONE reason to not eat mushrooms.
You would just KNOW in your spirit- your very SOUL (like I do)- that it is wrong to eat mushrooms. We get to make our preference or predilection the RIGHT ONE FOR ALL and self-rightous all in one fell swoop.
How nice for us me.
So here are 23-ish of Pastor Morgan’s reasons (not in her order):
26: Alcohol Fungi doesn’t bring others closer to the Lord when they see me drinking eating mushrooms, but further away. That is so true. The repulsed expressions I make and fury as I pick them out of the dinner salad that someone thought would be so nice with some sliced up mushrooms do drive people away. Whether it’s from God, I’m not sure, but I do notice people moving away.
27: Alcohol Mushrooms leave me worse, not better. Enough said. And what’s true for me is true for everybody else. Right???
28: I have never heard anyone say, “Wow, that gin and tonic Mushroom Soup made me feel so Christlike!” Absolutely true. I have never heard anyone say that. I actually have not heard anyone say that about anything, but I could have been howling with laughter and missed it.
29: I want to be fully awake and ready for the return of Christ, not drowsy, sluggish and fuzzy gagging, grossed out, and distracted from the glory by picking mushrooms out of the salad.
30: Alcohol kills brain cells. This isn’t true about alcohol or mushrooms, but Pastor Morgan got it on her list so it’s on mine. Have I mentioned that 50 is a lot?
31: Alcohol Mushrooms severely tarnish my testimony. This is true. I’m sure there are people who will simply READ this and feel my testimony is tarnished– never mind if they actually saw me consume mushrooms (or pick them out of the salad).
32: Alcohol Mushrooms and Bible study don’t mix. Just imagining this made me shudder.
33: If I don’t start drinking eating mushrooms, I’ll never have to stop. This sounds heavenly to me.
34: Alcohol Mushrooms have ruined many, many marriages. Okay, not really. But that’d be a funny story. And frankly, it’s not alcohol that ruins the marriages. It’s the choices people make when they abuse alcohol that’s ruinous. So, actually, I think if someone abused mushrooms and refused treatment, it could ruin a marriage. I’m sticking with #34.
35: Alcohol Mushrooms don’t help me run the race that Jesus has marked before me to finish with more accuracy. It does the polar opposite. Because as I’m running, I stop to kick the mushrooms over and get them out of my yard. They’re hideous.
36: Don’t want your teenagers to drink eat mushrooms? Yep, same reasons apply to you. One of my proudest achievements as a mother is that my children do not eat mushrooms.
37: I want to avoid all appearances of evil. And as I established with MATH in #1, mushrooms = satan.
38: Show me a family for whom alcohol mushrooms have made a positive difference in their lives. You won’t be able to. And if you do, I’d find that so so very sad. I mean, hand me Kleenex ugly cry sad.
39: Even the unsaved know I shouldn’t drink eat mushrooms. Bible in one hand, beer mushroom in the other—any lost person could point this out as a confusing contradiction. If someone lost saw me with a mushroom in one hand and a Bible in the other, I’m not sure about contradiction, but yes, that would be confusing. Plus, if they’re lost, they probably want to find someone with an iPhone and googlemaps in their hand.
40: Alcohol Mushrooms cause me to lose my filter. Yes, let’s blame the mushrooms for that. I missed the gene that would make me like mushrooms and it’s the same one that would have given me a filter. It’s all the mushrooms fault.
41: Alcohol Mushrooms are addictive. I have had people offer me a lot of free tastes of mushrooms with things like “try it, you’ll like it.” Drug dealers say the same thing to new customers…
42: Many regrets are associated with alcohol mushrooms. Okay, this IS true. I have had some very sad dinners where the “flavorful sauce” turned out to be rife with mushrooms or the person entrusted to order the pizza forgot to say “no mushrooms”. Regrets-a-plentiful.
43: The Bible tells me to be alert; alcohol mushrooms delay my reaction time. This is also true. I was at a conference one time and starving. The served dinner was covered in mushroom gravy*. I think about a million of the slimy suckers were on my plate. I missed all sorts of witty repartee.
44: Alcohol Mushrooms and prayer don’t mix. Okay, on this I really have to beg to differ. We are to pray unceasingly. Praying there are no mushrooms in the salad or gravy or pizza is perfectly acceptable. But maybe this is about praying while eating mushrooms. As your mother would say about cussing, I will say about eating mushrooms and prayer: Would you speak to God with that mouth?
45: Moderate drinking mushrooms? How about moderate pornography or moderate heroin use or moderate lying or moderate adultery? Aha! What are you going to say to THAT logic?! Thought so.
46: If it could hinder my faith walk or love walk or dishonor the lordship of Jesus Christ, I need to forsake it. I have never had mushrooms in my shoes, but I am sure it would hinder my walk, so yes, #46 is a go.
47: Alcohol causes me to act in ways I normally wouldn’t. I have good table manners, I was raised proper-like. But have my food arrive with mushrooms…no, not normal. Sorry, not sorry.
48: Alcohol has an assignment: destruction. Oh my, what if mushrooms have an assignment? That means they are alive. Tiny beings. With a mission to destroy. Mushrooms chasing me down a dark alley armed with spores and microbes and SATAN. Well, hello, tonight’s nightmare.
49: Alcohol Mushrooms skew my judgment. Clearly. This post is proof enough of what mushrooms do to me. But it’s not just my judgement we need to worry about, it’s also yours. If you choose to eat mushrooms, I’m worried about your decision-making.
50: Let me conclude: I think mushrooms are not just wrong for Christians. They are wrong for everyone. They could be the unifying ingredient for those of all faiths and no faith. We could all come together and hold hands. Well, okay, signs. We could hold signs: Resist the ‘shrooms.
*I also hate gravy, but am willing to allow this could just be an Episcopalian thing, not necessary true for all Christians.