Do You Know Farrah Like I Know Farrah?

There’s a Christian I know. Let’s name her… Farrah Sees (not her real name).

She’s one of those personalities. She has the right Bible verse for everything that ails you and even the things she just thinks are ailing you.

I have a friend that has everything in her purse. If you have a headache she can offer you aspirin, Tylenol or Advil. Take your pick. Need a tissue, sew a button, powder your nose or the phone number of a great babysitter? She’s got it in her purse– somewhere.

Farrah is like that, but I don’t find her provisions as helpful. If you’re struggling, it’s because you don’t have “your eyes upon Jesus”. If you’re hurting, it’s because “you haven’t spent enough time in the Word”. Or perhaps it is God’s will for you to suffer and be miserable (uh, thank you?). If you assure her you’re praying, she’s just as assured it isn’t long enough, fervent enough or at the right time of day.

She insists pre-dawn is the best time to seek God. Like God is some telephone customer service line and we need to queue up first thing to beat the noon time rush.

She fasts a lot, but when she talks about it, I have to say it really sounds like she’s throwing a two-year-old’s tantrum. She is not going to open her mouth for a bite of food until God gives in and does her bidding.

Another thing Farrah Sees does is cloak her own short-comings in the church’s window draperies. And, to my eyes, it makes her look as silly as Scarlett O’Hara in that green velvet dress trying to fool Rhett Butler. She preludes gossip by saying, “I’m not supposed to share, but he needs prayer so I want to tell you…”

She justifies every action with the discussion killer, “I prayed about it and felt led by the Spirit.”

Well, maybe I prayed about it and felt led by the Spirit opposite of your leading… Now what? We arm wrestle? Dunk test? Rock, Paper, Scissors?

Others who love their faith, their church and feel a powerful connection to God but in a different way than Farrah Sees are “lost” or might even belong to a cult. They for sure are not “saved”, nor do they know the “real Jesus”.

Farrah Sees comforts herself with the rules and systems of faith. Otherwise known as Religion with a capital and rigid “R”. And while there are times I can dismiss her as just another zealot whackadoo, there are other times when I can’t dismiss her at all.

Times when she confuses her personal belief system with condemnation and fear-mongering. Times when she justifies hurting others in the name of her faith. Times when I have seen her telling others her version of God’s truth and to see the genuine interest in God’s truth dull and disappear in the listener’s eyes as Farrah rattles on about things that are  mankind’s interpretation of God.

Times when she is just mean and judgmental and ignorant and calls it Christianity. Times when she forgets about human rights as she confuses what God actually asks of us with her individual views and personal comfort zone.

Times when someone tells me they don’t believe in God or will never go to church because the time they did, they met Farrah Sees there and confused her with Jesus. Which is especially sad, because a lot of us know Jesus isn’t welcome in that church because he wears sandals and that robe thing looks suspiciously like a dress.

It’s kind of funny. When I hear Jesus talk about the Pharisees in the Bible, Farrah Sees comes to mind every single time.

Do you know Farrah like I know Farrah?