So here we are again to talk about something I need some help with. When is it secret-keeping (dark, repressive, toxic, bad mojo) and when are you being discreet (private, appropriate, dignified)?
This works the other way too.
When are you being truthful/honest and when are you blabbing/careless?
Are you good at knowing the line?
I am not.
When I left the home of my parents, I sort of rushed into to not keeping the secrets my mother said were “family business only” anymore and just told IT ALL to anyone who had the misfortune to ask or make eye contact long enough I thought they were asking. It was kind of like opening the flood gates too fast and it all just rushed out.
I am working to be more candid about my emotions. But this is tough. I was at a lunch and shared how I was feeling about being twice divorced and it was a vulnerable moment. Someone responded that it was my fault since I had said “yes”. It was not the right thing to say and I was way too fragile to hear that and brush it off.
It took about three days before that bruise faded.
But I also can keep way too much in. Keep up appearances. Stiff upper lip. Have some dignity for goodness sake.
So how do you know? What are the boundaries? Do you err on one side or the other? If you go too far, how do you undo it? Or can you?
I’ve got fresh ice and the clean glasses. So, I’ll start mixing and you can fill me in.
It’s not so much how much you share as whom you share it with. If you can’t trust a given person to respect your confidence and your vulnerability, don’t give that person ammunition to hurt you with. If you can trust someone, be as open as you can be, want to be, or need to be in order for that person to be able to support you appropriately. It’s always a bit of a gamble the first time you open up to someone; if it doesn’t go well, you know to pull back.
This from someone who admittedly tends to err on the side of the stiff upper lip. I think there are very few people who “deserve” to know our intimate business.
I think that is an excellent point: consider the audience.
This is something I struggle with a lot. I am a reserved person and I think my fears after I have shared something that I am afraid of being judged. When I was getting divorced I was sharing all the time and now regret it. I must have driven people crazy with my sadness and anger. And I lost a friend through it. I guess she didn’t want to hear it anymore. Thank god there was no Facebook back then. I would have been in a lot of trouble.
Now with my current situation after I share I think why did I do that? What was I thinking. And yet other times I won’t share and I wish I would have.
I am with Katherine on this though. I think that it does really depend on who you are sharing with. For me when I am on the receiving end of someone sharing I try really hard to put myself in their shoes. I know they are sharing with me because they need to talk. They may not need advice. In fact I think most of the time they don’t. So I listen and try to offer comfort. I don’t want them to go home and feel regret for sharing with me.
Corinna; I have had nearly identical experiences. Even losing a friend. But I am thinking between what you and Katherine said, that rather than a case of sharing inappropriately is misjudging the person. And not necessarily misjudging like we actually made a mistake, but just the person not being up to the task. I HAVE misjudged but we’re not perfect so it’s bound to happen. It’s really painful though.
I think, most recently, I have people so shocked to hear about my marriage ending. But how often are you going to share struggles like that? Yet, I also wonder if I had shared more with certain people, maybe it would have helped (me).