Little Sir and I have been living in my hometown for a couple of months now as we settle the details for the next phase of our move to Texas.
I am originally from Stockton and lived here the first 9-10 years of my life. I moved back after high school and minus a year or so in Texas and the months in Costa Rica, I lived here until 2001. So 13 years as an adult (give or take).
While I don’t really connect with “hometown” in a nostalgic way, the facts are Stockton is my hometown. With a couple of months here, I looked forward to visiting old places I remembered and seeing what was new. While I’d been here visiting The Grandmas and for holidays and such, I hadn’t had time to see my old house or take Little Sir to the parks…
Well, it has not been easy. While I definitely appreciated the city conveniences and the proximity of family, it’s also come with its challenges.
One is I have some unpleasant history here and seeing places and people associated with that is tough. Another is about two weeks after we got here, my plans hit a big snag. A snag out of my control which only makes it worse. So, I’ve been living with this suspended feeling while waiting for a resolution and it’s beyond uncomfortable.
And then there was Stockton itself, so many places we went were just terrible. Sad in how run down they were. Or sad in that they no longer exist. We pretty much stopped visiting the parks after the one where the playground was fenced off due to arson. We did find one that wasn’t too bad.
To be honest, this wasn’t what I expected. I actually sort of wondered if I might get here and change my mind and decide we should live here. But even the good things felt like goodbyes. Not reasons to stay. As we enjoyed a day trip to the foothills with my sister and nephew, I felt glad we had that day, not a pull to stay.
All in all, I don’t think this reflects on Stockton or my connection to family or unresolved baggage. I think it’s more that feeling of knowing this isn’t my home town because it’s not home. It’s more about not looking in the rearview mirror for what’s ahead.
The past doesn’t hold my future.