Job Hunting

My current day job is parenting. But I’m looking for something else.

To be honest, I’ve been job hunting for a while. It’s time to get creative. I’ve done what I could with the jobs that have previously provided me with a desk, business cards and a paycheck.

It is now time to leverage the skills from the job that provides none of those things: motherhood.

After thorough review, I realized my experience as a mother of three has equipped me with a whole new set of career opportunities.

Rodeo Star- I’m ready for calf roping after diapering toddlers. “Someone needs a diaper change” is the signal for toddler in question to spring into action just like those calves lunge out of the gate. The twists, flips and assorted contortions while I simultaneously manage snaps, diapers and wipes is the same sort of quick efficiency I could use to wrestle a calf. Plus, I’d have an advantage of a horse and rope in the rodeo.  And I think those big belt buckles would be slimming.

Police Detective- Between what I have learned on Law & Order and parenting teens, I am ready. I have the sixth sense parents develop when they know their kids are up to something. My ears perk like a trained K-9 with the ever so subtle change in texting patterns.  And, I have The Look. One eyebrow arches just enough and a steely glint flashes in my eyes. It is a little known fact that Clint Eastwood’s major success with The Look came after he became a father. I wouldn’t even need a gun, The Look quells excuses and elicits confessions quicker than a .357 magnum.

Poker Champion- The key to being a consistently good poker player is bluffing. And only a parent knows how much of our success is based on bluffing. We bluff our kids with statements like “I don’t think the doctor is giving shots today” to “I know what I’m talking about”.  Two of my kids began fighting in line at Disneyland. I leaned over and pointed out the uniformed ride attendant whispering to the kids her job was to escort people out who might be unhappy at the happiest place on earth. Disneyland couldn’t risk breach of promise lawsuits. The kids and I held eye contact, taking each other’s measure. They blinked. They were angels the rest of the day. Raising the stakes with nothing but a pair of threes? Child’s play.

I don’t plan to quit my day job, the fringe benefits are amazing. No other “boss” has gotten me to do so much with nothing but a smile. And all the kisses I get would be grounds for sexual harassment in most offices, but here at home, they make me start early, finish late and work right through lunch.