So, here’s the thing…The Lighter Side

photo-3I have written about the pain and disappointment and traversing the path of grief and even some of the oddities of finding myself getting divorced after The Miracle. (I didn’t link to some of the other recent posts because they’re pretty easy to find.)

So, here’s the thing…There is another part.

But I haven’t known how to say it. Write it.

So, I’m just going to blurt it out.

In addition to everything else I’ve written about,

I feel relieved.

It feels like an ugly secret.

It is awful. No one wants to get divorced. When I got divorced the first time, I learned that there is nothing like getting divorced to make sure you want to.

Because if there was any possible way to avoid it, you would. Let me say again: It is awful.

So, yes my heart is broken (though mending) and I’ve struggled and been sad.

But…

I have also felt like I can breathe deeper. Easier. My jaw is unclenching. A lightness of being that I did not know was gone, but is now coming back.

And of course, those feelings brought on others. Namely, guilt.

The gift of guilt is to feel remorse for something we’ve done wrong.

And when I remind myself of that, then I am able to release some of it. It’s not that I haven’t been wrong and maybe I’m even wrong now this very minute, but I don’t think I am.

I believe this is the best course. Honestly, the only course. Hard, sad, but the best path I have available– given my options. Given the life I intend to live.

And that alleviates the false guilt at recognizing truth. That truth being that I had to stop believing in something that wasn’t going to work simply because I willed it to. I prayed it to work too.

The surrender of my will and the outcome of my prayers- the peace of that- feels good.

Anne Lamott recently posted on Facebook about her guilt and torment over wanting a mini-neck lift. And when she prayed about it, she heard God say, “It’s okay.” And once she heard that God was okay with her wanting a neck lift, she released the torment and went to the surgeon. And decided not to get it.

And that is when I knew I would tell you the truth of the

other side of this divorce thing:

It’s okay.

If I got to be in charge, this is not how things would be unfolding. But I keep getting smacked upside the head with the reminder that I AM NOT IN CHARGE.

And…

It’s okay.